Tuesday, August 14, 2012

because I worry... a lot

I'm back!!! I hope you did not think I gave up on writing in my blog (that probably won't happen until school starts and I get super busy again), I've had a good reason this time, I promise! Last week we took our long awaited and much needed vacation to California. For 9 glorious days we enjoyed the incomparable weather that the Bay Area and Santa Cruz montains have to offer (when we arrived saturday morning I was so cold I had to put on a sweatshirt!), spent time with friends and family, celebrated birthdays, went to the beach (Leo's first time seeing the ocean!), and ate lots of really yummy ice cream.

We needed this vacation in the worst way. Daniel has been so busy with work and school and his internship that we (Leo and I) spent more quality time with him during those 9 days than we have in a month. And even though I had been looking forward to this vacation for a year now, I did not realize how much I needed it either. It was probably our third or fourth day into the vacation when I honed in on the reason I was enjoying this vacation so much (besides the obvious aforementioned reasons). I realized before going to bed one night that I was not worrying about anything, and that was such a peaceful and relaxing feeling. I knew I worried a lot, but I never realized how freeing it would be to not worry.

If worrying was an olympic sport, I could compete with the best of them (my mother-in-law would probably win the gold, but I could be a contender). This summer has been particularly worriful (pretty sure not a real word). Between not having a job, figuring out my job for the fall, trying to be certified as an interpreter (to get a job now), car problems and everything with Daniel and his schooling, I have been on worry overload. Most of this worrying is tied to money (I hate money, dealing with it, trying to get it, not having it, etc.).

The problem with worrying is that I'm pretty sure it is genetic, it is so ingrained in me I don't know how to not worry. When my husband sees me getting stressed out he tells me not to worry. I love you honey, but that is the worst thing you could say to me in that moment. Telling me not to worry is like telling me to not blink, the more I try not to, the more I do it. I often try to recite the serenity prayer to myself... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. It helps in small situations, but often I have this underlying worry that is always with me, even when I am not actively worrying about something, it is there with me.

Having said all of that, the best unexpected part of our vacation was that I did not have to worry. I knew that no matter what I did or how much I worried, I could not change our life in Utah while we were in California, so I did not worry. I know that rationally worrying does nothing for me here in Utah either, therefore I should use the same reasoning and not worry, but it does not work like that. So while I miss my family and friends and want to go back and have another month of vacation just to spend time with them, the part I miss is the peace I had when I did not have to worry, because I worry... a lot.

1 comment:

  1. I worry a lot too. omgosh so much. Put me in the Olympics for this. Mostly right now I worry that I'm going to get cancer or some other un-cureable disease that I cant pay for bc I dont have insurance and the future. That we are not prepared enough, dont have enough food storage, dont know enough compared to all the other "preppers" omgosh I worry sick about this..so sometimes I try to pretend everything is going to be ok but deep down I know that with the drought, rising food prices, etc, there are hard times ahead and Idk how Im going to deal with it :(