because i passed my test, but i still feel like a failure

I am back my dear blog! Did you think I forgot about you? NEVER! (Well given my track record with keeping a blog, I really do not blame you if you panicked and thought that you had been abandoned) I've been busy (sort of, I can't particularly think of why I was busy at the moment, but I assure you I had a good reason!) so this post is about what happened on monday (better late than never).

So this past monday I took the written test to become an interpreter, again (see post 'because failing a test does not make me a failure'). I was less nervous only because I knew what to expect this time and I had studied the things I didn't know on the previous test. The verdict? I passed. A passing score is 80, and I got and 80. I should be excited right? I passed the test, that is all I needed to do so I could take the next test to become and interpreter. Am I excited? Not really. Relieved and disappointed would probably be the two words that would describe my feelings right now. Relieved because I did pass, I don't have to pay more money to take the same test, and I can now move on to the next part. Disappointed because I got an 80, I barely passed. I just took this test the week before, how did I barely pass??? I should have gotten a higher score (because this is the kind of crap I put myself through) and that is what is keeping myself from enjoying this moment and be excited.

Shortly after I failed my first test a woman who had been helping me with the process called to give me some support and advice. One of the first things she told me was that some people have to retake the test multiple times (think 8 times, or more) until they pass. Then she assured me that I would not be one of those people. This should make me feel better about my score, right? Some people would have killed for an 80 on their second test, but sadly, that is no consolation to me. After I passed the test and I was scheduling the next part of the test, the proctor said to me, "now is the time you get to celebrate, go home and enjoy the moment". When he said that I tried to be happy, I really did, but there was that little perfectionist inside of me robbing me of that joy.

So here I sit, trying to be happy but there is that little part of me that keeps obsessing about my score, an 80. I'm trying, I really am because I passed my test (yay), but I still feel like a failure.